STEPHEN COLBERT, LEGEND



At last night's White House Correspondents' dinner, Stphen Colbert let the arrows fly - the way the regular media USED TO do its job, and waaah waahhh, chimpy didn't 'preciate it verr much.

Has everyone forgotten the scandalously funny Don Imus send up of Clinton a few years ago? Obviously the cavalcade of hypocrites in Colbert's audience had, for many of them were falling out of their seats cackling at Imus, but were oddly silent last night.

Colbert you are an American hero. And you, LOST's 4 loyal readers, keep you eyes on the C-Span TV listings. They'll be re-running this one, unless of course the First Misanthrope threatens a cut in their funding.

WEEKEND STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS(a blurt which couldn't wait for Sunday)

In nearly 46 years of living in the Red South End of this Golden State, LOST does not recall experiencing cold, cloudy weather all day long, into the month of May . . . it seems the new hip quick place to eat and be seen eating is "Panera Bread." How can you tell its hip? First clue is the predominantly female clientele, all dressed to the nines and carrying their Burberry purses or Gucci clutch bags, or their handbag dogs (Are these little rats-in-the-bag metaphorical for what some of these gals would like to do to their husbands/boyfriends/ex'es?). In fact, it looks like some of these gals finished their caramel macchiatos from the coffee shop down the strip row, and simply walked (okay, some of them drove) four doors down to get in line at Panera. From today forward, LOST will refer to the place as "Chickwich." The second thing is that 9 bucks gets you 7 spoonfuls of soup and a 2" square hunk of sandwich you'd expect from a christening party at your tightwad relative's house - yes, but dieting is expensive, right? . . . . . . Rush Limbaugh and Tom De Lay have the same mugshot
photo presentation consultant? Either that or el Rushbo was simply ablaze when he turned himself in . . . LOST is waiting for the Group Picture, Rove, Limbaugh, Abramoff, DeLay, Ney, and "Scooter" in their orange jumpsuits. According to reports this week, the Dukestir may be having an even better time in prison that anyone ever thought . . .100 bucks a person is all that stands between voracious oil swine and the ANWR? Exactly how stupid does the Republican Congress think we the people are? Then again, perhaps they're keying off of the re-election of the Preznit, and so perhaps its just faulty intelligence on somebody's part? . . . Speaking of big oil, LOST means really big Fat sloppy Lee Raymond big oil, no one seems to believe we'll get to the bottom of why gas prices are scaling record heights, and nobody believes that the government can do anything about it - the Preznit is particularly perturbed at the idea of a "windfall profits tax." LOST says "bollux" to all that. You want to bring prices down from their perilous, budget busting, gouge-a-rama prices? Simple application of Preznitical logic. Gouging the American people IN A TIME OF WAR is unpatriotic, it is HURTING FREEDOM, it is, simply put, behaving like ENEMY COMBATANTS. Therefore, a couple of D.C. dispatched trips to Exxon Mobil and Conoco Phillips headquarters, grab the CEO and a few board members for a little plane ride to Guantanamo and all of the awaiting thrills and (perhaps literally) chills of that Magic Kingdom, and LOST suspects gas prices would drop back down to the manageably obscene levels of 2.50 a gallon by day's end. Call that one "A Modest Proposal" for the New American Century.

"QUICK, UNKA DICK, WE GOT ANY MORE O' THEM "OSAMA" TAPES?"

"Oh, no, this guy's talkin' an' he worked for the CIA, an' he knew 'bout the Niger thing, an', an' sheeyit, we ain't got the color chart no more, an' an' there ain't any Swift Boaters 'round here either. Whadda we goin' do, Karl? Oh yeah, we'll give Al Jazeera 'nother one of them "Osama" tapes. Get it out there before Sunday, so that its running before "60 Minutes" comes on. The networks'll eat it up! Great idea, Turd Blossom. Glad I reassigned ya."


WITH THE SURVEILLANCE TECHNOLOGY OUR COUNTRY POSSESSES WHY IS OSAMA BIN LADEN STILL AT LARGE? Just thought somebody should ask the question.

YEAH, YEAH LETS NUKE 'EM!

It being Earth Day weekend, a little reminder of what is actually being discussed as a viable military option on the table seemed to be in order. From the UK Independent online edition:

More than a third of Britain is still contaminated by radioactivity from the Chernobyl disaster two decades ago, and children are getting cancer as a result, an Independent on Sunday investigation has established.

Official measurements - published in a report launched in London yesterday - show that at least 34 per cent of the country will remain radioactive for centuries as the result of the accident, which took place 20 years ago on Wednesday.

The fallout and the radioactive particles don't discriminate, they don't fade away and they migrate a hellacious distance - over twelve hundred miles in the case noted above - courtesy of the whim and caprice that is Earth's climate. So, Mr. War Preznit, this is why you cannot nuke Tehran - or even strategeric (borrowing from your dyslexicon) parts thereof - without shrouding the entire Mid-East, including Israel and your bosom buddies at the House of Saud, in a glowing cloud of malignancy. Tell that to the neo-con cabal when they start pounding on you and unka Dick to push the button.

Oh, and, fundies, see below for why you're not going to get an E-ticket ride out of here before the toxic, ahem, stuff hits the fan.

ADHD WAR PRESIDENT ALERT!!

And, in case you are thinking that there is simply no way that the Bushies are seriously contemplating doing for Iran what they've done for Iraq, that its all just sabre-rattling to encourage a "Diplomatic" solution, read this

"CRAPTURE"

Tony Hendra, comedian, comic writer, best-selling author of "Father Joe, the Man who Saved My Soul," writes about the American Taliban's Holy Grail, in his two-part article, "The Rapture is Crapture." You can read part one of the article here, but here's a nugget:

The Rapture however is new - dreamed up by one John Nelson Darby, an Irish lawyer turned Anglican priest, in the 1830s. His loopy biblical interpretations divide all history into seven ages or dispensations and declare - surprise surprise! - that Jesus' precepts are inoperative until he returns. This will be heralded by...the Rapture.

Darby was defrocked by the Anglican Church and most of his pals regarded him as deranged. But his ravings spread like kudzu in the fertile soil of 19th century American evangelical fundamentalism. A century and a half later the Rapture is taken as literal truth according to reliable estimates - eg Kevin Phillips - by a third of the nation, who, needless to say, will be the only Rapturees.

For two thousand years this kind of drivel stayed on the spittle-flecked straw-in-the-hair lunatic fringe but now in 21st century America, it's front and center, driving the domestic and foreign policy, the social and moral agenda, the spending power, and worst of all, the military, of the most powerful nation on earth. Just to get some idea of how it's affecting not just policy but the whole standing of the nation in the world, here's a few paltry matters seen in Rapturous light:

Since Christ is right around the corner global warming and Kyoto don't matter because the planet only has few years to go anyway. So belch out that pollution - Christ don't give a shit. Ditto drilling offshore in Virginia and Alaska, logging ancient forests, trepanning whole mountains to get at the coal. Gotta keep those SUVs and Macmansions running. Gotta have some place to be Raptured from.

A $7-trillion deficit and bankrupting the nation with debt doesn't matter either, because we'll never have to pay it down. Katrina doesn't matter because it's a biblically prophesied sign Christ is at hand. What's the point in saving lives that'll end soon anyway? Ditto eradicating AIDS. Anyway it's punishment for your vile abominations.

9/11 doesn't matter in fact it's desirable because it proves Christ is right around the corner. Ditto pitching a few nukes into the raging firestorm of the Mid-East because it will actually bring him back quicker!

Yeah, as if the end times could be cultivated, like rubbing a lamp, or seeding the clouds, or for you marketing whizzes out there, phone banking, canvassing or focus grouping. Did somebody forget about "you know not the day or the hour?"

And that date that "Reverend" Darby started up his processes, the 1830's . . . Hmmm, so familiar. For those really paying attention, that was right about the time that Joseph Smith started staring at rocks in his hat to get "revelations" about mulitiple wives, dream mines and titanic struggles about non-white contemporaries of Jesus exiled in America. A connection then? An explanation for the twin threads of religious neo-bizarro-ness that have combined to hijack the country, marginalize people of more traditional faith denominations, and demonize those with differing opinions in any subject? What else would account for the oil and water mezcla of "fish" emblems and Bush Cheney stickers (or w-o4 ovals) on the backs of Monstrously sized SUVs all over this little portion of Governator territory?

Now if you'll indulge LOST, its time to find a Sunday Mass that will work for the family schedule

SPEAKING OF THE BEATLES
I sense a theme here, but after yesterday's posting,
give a listen to this terrific and timely parody. Somewhere the soul of John Lennon is smiling wryly today. Turn your speakers up.

BILLY SHEARS ROLLS OVER IN GRAVE

Few things nauseate LOST as much as self-righteous Mormons Republicans and/or Trojans, although not necessarily in that order. For most of the last 40 plus years, the Beatles have been part of LOST'S personal soundtrack of life; beyond the breakup, the untimely death of Lennon - who has been gone for almost double the amount of time that he was larger than life, or to use his phraseology "more popular than Jesus," past those forgettable Wings albums, the Beatles have been timeless. LOST felt viscerally sick when Jacko bought the Beatles catalog, and shortly thereafter Nike started using "Revolution" to hawk sneakers. Oh sure, it could have been worse; one envisions "Bungalow Bill" as the musical pitchman for Viagra "Hey, Bungalow Bill, just one blue pill, Bungalow Bill . . . " Or "I'm So Tired" as the backdrop for a Lunesta commercial. Big Pharma seems to be where the big advertising bang comes from these days. Then last week came the word that nearly broke Jacko was selling off the catalog - - to Sony. Still seems like a better move than letting the manboy of Bahrain hold all the cards.

Then the Bartcop site ran with this little beauty. One of the classic covers of album-dom, and YIKES!!!!!!!



Okay, its funny, in the queasiest of ways, to be sure. Visit www.bartcop.com - today if possible, to see this in larger size. Picking out all the "crowd faces" is truly an interesting exercise. From Ann Coulter to Charlie Manson, there's quite a roguesgallery there.

DIE YOU INFIDELS, DIE DIE DIE!!!!!

Yeah, all that's missing are the lighting bolts and/or fire flying out of his finger tips. Except that maybe the magic bag is empty . . . ?

ANYTHING GOING ON?

Okay, so LOST knows its been awhile when Mom writes and wants to know if all is okay 'cause that whiny basketball post is still up and so, get over yourself, yaknow? Truth is it hasn't been about that - that water is long passed under the bridge. But with no more Tom deLay to kick around - he's leaving and blaming you evil Christ-hating-lefty-bloggers for hastening his demise, with the nonchalant revelation that it was Bush AND cheney who dropped the dime on Valerie Plame - - like "what's-the-big-deal-we-declassify-all-the-time," and the oh so vibrant discussion of exactly what is a "Tactical" nukular weapon - oh that's right, I remember, a tactical Nuke is the kind you use frequently on a country which you're trying to convince that nukes are bad and dangerous - so you can't have any. Gappy Rice was right, thousands of tactical errors - and these guys seem hell bent on beefing up that number. Oh and, if Homeland Security turns up one more pedophile among its ranks, the Boston Archdiocese is going to bid on an a management contract for the Department. And speaking of perversions, what about this great story out of Arizona, a "fine, upstanding, family values Mormon State Senator with his honor student son -" who admitted to shoving a broomstick up the behinds of 18 pre-teens at a week long camp. But hey, good thing it was not sodomy, because, as the prosecutor said, "they (the victims) had their clothes on." Oh, and only one count, because the State shouldn't interfere with this honor student's desire to go on his overseas Mormon mission this Fall! Putative rapists all over the Grand Canyon State are finally buying condoms - following the prosecutor's logic, and converting to Mormonism.

Maybe there's some hope. America's best known crackpotshot was roundly booed when he tried to throw out the first pitch at the National's home opener. Maybe they should've brought in Harry Whittington at catcher. At the very least, LOST is convinced there's no such thing as ghosts, because surely the spectre of Bobby Kennedy would have materialized and scared that portly malignant bastard the Hell out of the park named in his memory.

The poll numbers keep spiraling downward - where they belong, , and one more Bush loving international leader is looking for work, this time in Italy. Tony Blair is not singing the Tehran Rumble song like the neocons any more. And Fitz keeps giving the righties fits of their own with the briefs he is filing. Will knucklehead have to reach into the pardon pouch to get Libby out of the fire? Stay tuned. Go Francine Busby, too. Maybe even in this kooky place, people are snapping out of their stupor . . .

HARD TO WIN WHEN ITS 5 ON 7 - COUNTING THE ZEBRAS



Yes, the scoreboard said it all. Yes, the Bruins missed shots, and made some bad decisions, and at times played without poise. But also yes, the officiating was atrociously one sided. As indicated in the picture (left - courtesy of the LA Times) there is no way that Michael Jackson lookalike contest runnerup Joakim Noah is not fouling Luc Richard MBah a Moute in this photo. But instead of a whistle we were constantly treated to raves about his great athleticism and how proficient he was at blocking shots. It was not the only thing Noah got away with, either. He traveled at least three times, and committed similar fouls on "blocks" on two other occasions. Similarly, his teammates were each given one extra step at least once through the course of the game, while no such courtesies were afforded to the Bruins. Add this on top of the cavalcade of talking heads universally and unanimously praising Florida and predicting a Gator victory, one wonders whether this- at the very least - played a subconscious role in the officiating?

Still, would more down the middle reffing made the difference? Hard to say for certain. Perhaps not. Still, this bunch of Bruins played well together all season long, and despite the losses of Hollins and Bozeman next year, figure to get even stronger with the anticipated return of Josh Shipp. Here's hoping to see you Bruins in the final game next year, too!

SUNDAY STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS

Yeah, after yesterday, the font color had to be blue . . . still NO respect for the Bruins by anyone outside of Los Angeles . . . after 30 years of having to go there from time to time, why is it that the DMV continues to resemble the Job Fair for Carnies? . . . how low will John McCain go to become the GOP Presidential nominee - - he's already been leashed by Dubya, now he's brown nosing Jerry Falwell, too? . . . will someone please explain to the Reagan lovers that he did not end the Cold War, that at most his monstrous defense spending increase may have hastened the crumbling of the Soviet Union? then again, those who need to be convinced aren't gonna listen anyway . . . Al Franken should have been a speech writer for the Kerry campaign, The Truth With Jokes succinctly debunks and destroys so many of the Rovian talking points that one cannot help but wonder what this would have done in 2004 . . . how far we've come, from FDR's "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself", to Bush-Cheney's "the only thing we have to sell is . . . " . . . Note to Condoleeza, thousands of mistakes? No, I can think of about 59 million mistakes, all made around November, 2004 - and many of those mistaken ones are starting to realize it, too.

MORE BAD MEMOS, BAD REMINDERS AND THE SMELLY HAND OF ROVE

This week saw the news completely, utterly dominated by the protests over immigration reform bills, and the uprisings occasioned thereby. Throngs of "illegals" comandeering public streets, pouring out of schools, wreaking havoc . . . except that there weren't many reports of violence, or assaults or even a whole bunch of vandalism or anything. LOST's roving reporter, disguised as a normal, everyday high school underclassman, reported that a number of the "protesters" from his own campus simply blew out of school to get a day off - shades of Ferris Bueller, no doubt. But laying among the weeds of this foment, stirred by the media, the radio talking heads of both spectrums, the newspapers, LOST saw the grinning, sweaty porcine visage of Karl "Napoleon" Rove, happy as a clam that he'd found and whipped up another frenzy large enough to lower the searing heat under the bum of the First Bum, for at least another week. For there they were, ordinary "Americans" united as they had not been since 9/12/01, or so it would seem - spewing anger, frustration and indignation over the "illegals mess" or "this problem that is out of hand" or whatever. Jeez, nobody even seemed to know what happened on "American Idol" this past week.

And it all played masterfully out for the crumbling cronies of the White House. For virtually ignored during the week was the continued spalling of the DeLay empire - another high ranking hack in Mister Sir's
sinister cabal was broken off and fed to the justice system, and another avenue of escape blocked for D.C.'s most famous exterminator. Also ignored - or at least given very kid glove treatment was the passing of Caspar Weinberger - former Reagan Defense Secretary and major player in the cesspool of international skullduggery once known as "Iran-Contra" who was pardoned by Bush 41 a few weeks before the close of his one term in office, and mere days before "Cap's" criminal trial was about to begin. That trial, with its evidence that included hundreds of pages of documents detailing the scheme , threatened to shine a light into that particular roaches nest, and once and for all destroy the muddled fiction that Bush 41 was "out of the loop" on the illegal action, or that Saint Ronald of Reagan had no clue what was going on, either. Imagine what that trial would have done to the street cred of the junta which would become the PNAC (Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Bolton), or any member of 41's family aspiring to higher office (Jebby or Dubya). But of course, close scrutiny of this as part of the story was preempted, so we could bring you extensive coverage of "Rampage in Brown in Your Town."

Also largely ignored this week - beyond the continued decline in poll numbers, was the Sopranos-like behavior of the Holiest-than-thou of the Holier-than-thous on the Supreme Court, one Antonin Scalia, who flipped the "Italian bird" at a reporter on the steps of the church were "Neno" had moments before partaken of the Blessed Sacrament, while uttering an Italian vulgarity which translated into an invitation to sodomize oneself. True to form, when the story got a few legs, the Boston Archdiocese responded with suitable outrage and swift (boat) response - and fired the photographer who released the picture.

Finally, even more memos hit the street this week, pounding more nails into the coffin containing the moldering corpse of "Ah didn't want to go to war, no Prezdent wants war" canard that has been seared into Dubya's talking points coloring book on the recent "Pimp my War" tour. Perhaps this is because even the hoariest of corporate media outlets (not including Fox News Channel of course) have come to realize that Paul O'Neil and Richard Clarke weren't lying three years ago, and consider this as piling on; but LOST still sees the sloppy, hairy hand of Rove all over this diversionary media hi-jacking. The immigration issue is a problem, yes, but it did not appear last Sunday, or last week, and it will not be solved in that short of time either. Its boosting to the top of the agenda at a time when the cavalcade of newsworthy events has been Administration- damning seems more than a little fortuitously-scripted. Then again, perhaps it was all to cover up the Prezdent's Spring Break trip to Cancun -- oops! Darn those paparazzi!