FDA APPROVES LABORATORY TESTING ON TROJAN ALUMNI

The Food and Drug Administration approved sweeping rules changes that will permit the testing of household products, foods, and previously untested pharmaceuticals upon USC Trojan Alumni, today, bringing relief to a scientific community which was becoming concerned about such testing on laboratory mice.

Dr. Hugh Jass, a spokesman for Merck Pharmaceuticals, summarized the research community's plight this way:

"Essentially, our problems with the rodents were three fold, and this approval to use Trojan alums is a boon to the industry. Frankly, our researchers were beginning to develop attachments to the rodents, making some of the more painful research difficult. This will no longer be a concern. Neither will the supply problems encountered with rodents, as ten thousand new alumni are created every year. Finally, even the most disciplined of researchers, those directed enough to avoid the attachment issues and worries over supply concerns, still recognize that there are simply some things that a rodent will not do. This, too, will no longer be a problem, thanks to these new guidelines."

WE INTERRUPT THIS RIVALRY WEEK REVELRY FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT, THE DUKESTER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING



Yes, LOST pounded on his Congressman severely when the real estate deal of the decade story broke. Like many people in this little corner of Red that is the 50th Congressional District, even LOST was amazed by the open court admission that 2.4 million dollars in bribes were accepted. No, LOST wasn't swayed, surprised or moved in any way that the Dukester invoked the almighty not once, but twice in his "farewell speech." LOST kept thinking "Charles Colson, Charles Colson, Charles Colson."

But seriously, LOST takes no delight in the unmasking of an extraordinarily ballsy display of dishonesty by a local War-Hero-turned-Congressman. A stupid, ballsy display, being that it left a paper trail so traceable that the man would publicly admit to a 2.4 million dollar heist. No, What LOST would prefer is that people - particularly the Cheese Sandwich partisans in the 50th, who would vote for the Cheese Sandwich if it had "R" after its place on the ballot, will wake up and finally, rationally assess the utility in simply voting a straight party card, without taking some time to really investigate the candidates. Dukestir was, like the gag reflex on a sword swallower autonomically returned to Congress seven different times, without so much as a question. All the signs were there - his oafish remarks toward elderly people, minorities, and Democrats. But nobody paid attention.

Isn't it time that we all stopped worrying about what labels we can pin on people and "safely" categorize them without having to critically listen, pay attention and evaluate? Isn't the failure to do these things at least part of the pedophilia scandal rocking the Church? Too many good people turned a blind eye toward the evil of a group of men, simply because good Father whats-is-name would never do something like that, if it even got that far. Isn't that why the Enron boys, or Arthur Andersen got away with their rackets for so long? Certainly everybody saw decorated Viet Nam Pilot, and "R" and that was all they needed to know to let a fox into the henhouse, and keep inviting him back, again and again.

That is the lesson of the Sinking Dukester. Will anybody learn it this time? There's a real nice lady from Cardiff who has her heart in the right place, a good brain, and the ability to speak clearly, who just maybe deserves a chance to lead our little District. How bout it, Cheesers?

YOU MIGHT BE A TROJAN IF



Your Tailgate party has to be cancelled because the Fall Crystal is "fogged"

You cannot decide if you like being called "Pioneer" or "Ranger" best

You love your campus but WHY did they let all that ghetto pop up around it?

You think that O.J. was given a raw deal

You thought the Rams left Anaheim to make room for your team

You don't know what a basketball looks like

You can name more high end clothing stores than you can former U.S. Secretaries of State

You idolize the Bushes but think the Kennedys were just shameful opportunists bent on gaining power

Two of your children are nick-named "Fluffy" and "Topper"

You think that Dickerson was in bounds in the '69 game

You think that Johnny Lynn committed pass interference in the 77 game

You didn't see Rodney Peete grab Eric Turner's facemask in the 87 game on the last play of the half, 8 yards from the goal line

You won't speak to your parents because your 20th birthday president was a new 325, not the 5 Series BMW you really wanted

You think that the overpriced diploma your parents paid for is worth more than the one available (to brighter students) for less than half the cost across town

After last year, you really thought that the Vice President's name was Leinart

HEY BRUINS! 21 POINTS!!! LET'S GIVE 'EM SOME GRIEF OVER IT ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

THREE TOUCHDOWN DOGS???????? TIME TO GET P-O'D BRUINS




The first of the Vegas books is out, and SC is a 21 point fave for Saturday's installment of the epic battle between good and evil. Be angry, Bruins, Be VERY angry at the lack of respect. Then go pound 'em like never before.

RIVALRY WEEK HAS ARRIVED!!!!!!!

JUST KEEP SAYING, 'IT'S ONLY A MOVIE . . . IT'S ONLY A MOVIE'



In this version, the only "number 2" is the viscous, stenchy stream of excrement pouring forth from that chronically sneered snout, demanding the flexibility to "not torture" because "we don't torture(but some of our clients might do it for us, when we ask and pay them for it);" or that vile ooze that continuously blurs the connection between Al-Qaida and Saddam.

But, alas, it ain't a movie. This is the Vice President. The Five deferment guy. Captain "other priorities" now pushing a new generation of young Americans into the way of harm he so diligently avoided for himself. A man who loudly decries any remaining ties to Halliburton and its fiscally engorged subsidiaries, yet who sits on tens of thousands of options to buy Halliburton stock at a fixed price substantially lower than its current DJ value. In EVERY other level of government, the existence of this fact, coupled with the no-bid nature of work that has flowed in Halliburton's direction since 9/11 - much at the direction and guidance of the VP, would amount to a textbook conflict of interest. Then again, so would duck hunting with the most extreme (and ideologically friendly) justice on the Supreme Court at a time when you had a case pending in front of the whole court.

This VICE president is not ethically challenged. He seems to have undergone an ethicoectomy. They've been surgically removed. No scrupes. Just the cash, ma'am, small bills in big bags. Purely concerned with his own enrichment, forsaking all others in an uber-Patriotic ruse. Our President/Emperor may be unconscious of his nakedness, but VICE is just a thief, pure and simple

THE WHOLE HOUSE REEKS OF BAKING PIES!!!!!!!!






Okay, reek is a bad-sounding word.
But everything smells of cinnamon, ginger, cloves, and baking brown sugar.
The Holidays are here, THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PRESIDENT PARDONS "TURKEYS"




White House Nov 21 - President Bush, in what has become a White House Tradition, pardoned the official White House Turkeys, a tradition which this President enjoys so much that he has expanded it to two birds each Thanksgiving.
"If I eat these birds, the terrorists win," remarked the President in a Rose Garden ceremony packed with unusual pomp and circumstance. "So therefore, by the power vested in me, I hereby decree Presidential pardons for turkeys 'Scooter' and 'Gannyguck.' With a wave of his hand, he was off to the next event on his busy Holiday schedule, to award Medals of Freedom to distinguished civilian honorees Gobbler and Peckhappy.

PSST, HEY BRUINS! LOOK, IT CAN BE DONE

Like I said at the beginning of the season. It's called tackling. Even this guy can be wrapped up. See? And that bunch of truck-driver types laid 42 points on these guys. A little bit of defense and some hitting and who knows? Want it WANT IT WANT ITWANT IT! more than they do!!!

HAPPY 80th BIRTHDAY, SAINT ROBERT



Hard to imagine that I've outlived him. Even harder to imagine he'd be as old as my Mom, had he lived.
Had he lived, I envision a world without Watergate, without a Nixon Presidency. A world where 20,000 fewer servicemen died in Vietnam. A nation where people of all races were less mistrustful of each other. Where the poorest were taken care of far better than we do now. A place where all Americans strived to work harder, better, and more intelligently to better this world. A nation less hair-trigger to military violence.

Are these too far reaching? Perhaps. We'll never really know. All I know is, that the last time that black people and white people in this country stood solidly side by side one another was their unified grief over RFK's assassination, and in their sorrowful solidarity as they stood along the tracks of his funeral train from New York City to DC that awful June Saturday.

Bobby, you made our world better by being here for the short time you were part of it. I'm going to go on dreaming about the What-Might-Have-Beens without that fateful trip to the Ambassador's pantry. Someday I hope the Church confers the title officially.

HEY DICK HE'S TALKING TO YOU!




"I like guys who've never been there to criticize us who've been there. I like that,"




"I like guys who got five deferments and never been there, and send people to war, and then don't like to hear suggestions about what needs to be done."

Gee, Unka Dick. That guy spent 37 years in the Marine Corps. He served during Korea, qualified for Officer Candidate School, then volunteered for service in Viet Nam, and retired as a Colonel. And what was your answer, Unka Dick?




“The President and I cannot prevent certain politicians from losing their memory, or their backbone, but we’re not going to let them rewrite history,”

Kind of like when you lost your memory, Unka Dick? You forgot that there was contrary evidence to your claims about WMD in Iraq? You forgot about your status as a Frequent Flee-er from military service in the 1960's? Your "other priorities?" Or was that not a memory loss but your own psychic osteoporosis which ate your own backbone?

37 Years of Military Service versus six deferments, the last one for being an "expectant father." Now a crusader for ongoing war and for torture of other human beings. What a shameless, malignant, soulless b*st*rd you are, Mr. Cheney.

HALF A LOAF GOOD ENOUGH?



LOST has, in his near half century, watched a lot of Bruin Football. Not quite old enough to remember Beban, but everyone since is pretty fair game. There's been some good QB's at the helm in that time. Dummit, Sciarra, Dankworth, Some goober named Neuheisel, Aikman, Maddox, and McNown, to name several. None of them has ever done what Drew Olson did last night in the Arroyo, on Senior, er, Day. 510 yards passing in a Home game at the Rose Bowl. Granted Saint Cade the NFL casualty did get 513 in the Miami disaster in December 1998, but that was on the road.

Olson has had a magical year. His supporting cast have really stepped up around him, particularly the group of untested receivers pressed into quicker service with the third game injury to Junior Taylor. Marcedes Lewis has had a 1st round pick dream season, and Mo Drew is just unbelievable. But as good as the offense has been, the gaping hole in the front seven has only gotten bigger, and the defense has only become more tentative, less aggressive, less willing to fight and hit and drop opponents. Can they patch it together for a short 60 minutes of time next month? If they can, real glory awaits, without a doubt. Come on Bruins!! End the Streak!!

A TALE OF TWO CONCERTS




Last evening, LOST and the Mrs. accompanied 4 good friends on a trip to the local ballyard - not to watch a ballgame, but to take part in an odd event. After a nice dinner out, we saw a group of four older, wiry thin men, nearing retirement age to be sure, jump up and down and bop around on a big metal stage that dwarfed the outfield scoreboard at the local stadium.

This wasn't "Tom Brokaw's Celebrity Dance Fever" either. This was, or it least this used to be the Rolling Stones. HEY! YOU'RE RIGHT!! Look, that's Charlie, Charlie Watts is name up behind the drums, he kinda looks the same! And that, That's Ronnie Wood, right? He always kinda looked like Rod Stewart with his hair dyed black. And who could forget Keith RIchards. Still dead after all those years. Has a bandanna on around the top of his head. Looks like its there to hold his saggy face in place, though, now. And Mick Jagger. What could you say? At 63 he's jumping jack flash all over the place, bouncing, stalking, pointing, strutting, the whole shmear just like always. And so skinny, too? Does that man ever eat anything? I'm betting no.

The sound was pretty solid, and the renditions of the songs, amazing, when you consider that some of the material set forth last evening turned forty this year, and that doesn't count a cover of Ray Charles' "Nighttime is the right time" either. And, of course, when the lights went down, there was that obligatory odor hanging in the air of the dreaded illegal smoke.

But it was different somehow. The difference was more than just the obvious ravages of age on the players. Despite the svelteness, as Jagger ages he starts to look more and more like Miss Hathaway from "The Beverly Hillbillies." The same was true for the audience. There was plenty of people there decked out in their hippest togs, to be sure. There were some decked out in what were the hip togs in the 70's too. Come to think of it, some of that stuff is popular again. But the crowd itself was old. Hipsters in their late 40's, 50's and early 60's dominated the landscape. Tiger-skin camisole shirts, jeans and leather boots, bleach blond hair and a face like grandma's at the top of the ensemble. EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!! There was not the collection of concert weirdos traditionally encountered at these events. And what the hell were those "Ameriquest Mortgage" banners doing hanging from the stage? We're we actually going to hear Mick shout, "G'night laydies and gents 'ere in San Die-go. 's been a slice with yew t'night, but when you need a financial fix, our connection is with the fine crew at Ameriquest?"

There was little comparison to the experience LOST had as a teen in Anaheim in 1978, seeing the same band. Then, the crowd was younger, not assigned to seats at all, no evidence of corporate sponsorship. No 35 dollar t-shirts, instead replaced by 5 buck sodas (a fortune at the time) sold out of way over-crowded kiosks on a roasting hot day. A veritable flea market of illicit pharma going on all around, and tickets which could be had for $25.00. A far cry from the $160.00 face value of the ducats for last nights extravaganza, let alone the $400.00 that a spot on the coveted "look-at-me-I-have-an-all-access-wristband" floor.

The key differences were, aside from the cost and the age of the audience came in the realization that some insidious forces had combined to wrench out more money mo money mo money from the crowd eager for a night's worth of jumping jack flash-back. I couldn't help think about the Beatles' stand (throughout the 1970's - up until Lennon's murder) against reunions and tours, which was motivated in part by fear that all people would want to hear was old stuff. Last night's loudest cheers came for "Satisfaction" and "Honky Tonk Women" and "Flash" the iconic tunes of the 60's and early 70's. It was potty break time for the fans when Mick took his, and let Richard take over for 3 songs. The obligatory fireworks fusillade let the crowd (of nearly 50,000) know it was time to pour out of the park, into the swanky "Gaslamp" district and drain whatever was left in their wallets or add to their burgeoning credit balances with a few more beverages before they hit the road, Jack.

What's the point of this rant? After all, it was a very feel good time. I think it is this: people will pay seemingly outlandish sums of money to feel young and carefree again, even for a night, even for just a few hours. The marketing folks have figured that out, and have conspired to bring them along in some sort of pseudo-satanic plot to abscond not with our souls, but with hard earned cash. Please keep these marketing devils away from professional sports. Otherwise, besides these "Fantasy camps" we'll be having NFL oldtimers games, where the Dick Butkus's of the world roll their walkers toward and try to run over the hobbling O.J. Simpsons' of the world. Come to think of it, that just might sell a *^%# load of tickets.

TRIAL AND TRIBULATION



LOST has been busy this week doing his day job. Fighting Evil, or at least one with a small "e." A week long bout with one small cog in the insurance industry megalo-monster that, along with Wal-Mart and Microsoft, wishes to - one day - take over the world.

LOST doesn't do this all of the time. ITs been a while since the last one. Some things don't change much. Older courthouses still have elegance about them. There is the alternation between pleasant non case related banter with the other side and then acerbic commentary about the other's position. There is animation in the proceedings. There is not a little bit of performance going on. The "experts" are still sneaky people who make the bulk of the money to be made in "the system." There is little time to sleep, and almost no desire to eat at all. If I were an entrepreneur, I'd find a way to bottle that last one, sell the recipe and retire. The adrenaline rush is such that one feels like, for a moment or a few days or a week or two, that one could handle just about anything. And then when its all over, its up to twelve people who you met for the first time on the first day. Twelve people chosen from a group of people, more than half of whom thrust up their hands when asked the question "are there too many lawsuits?" The stomach turns.

PATHETIC



The only positive I can come up with is that it wasn't on Television in this little Red Corner of the State.

Back to the drawing board, Karl. Defense, I think that is what its called.