A REACTIONARY'S MORONIFESTO

In LOST'S day time existence, a well meaning, decently dispositioned client has added LOST to her personal bcc e-mail list of right wing hate and discontent. Yesterday, LOST received a written Rant by one of the dark spots of the local AM radio dial, a tinpot audio dictator with a mind like a Razr phone - narrow and closed . The "gentleman's" name is Rick Roberts, and his moronifesto reads as follows. LOST'S observerations will appear in a different color. Rick's original Moronifesto text will appear in Brown - not because it's been his favorite color of late, no, not that. Its more because brown suggests a certain class of odors which one may typically associate with a spiel like Rick's - and no, LOST does not mean Chocolate.

I don’t mean to go off on a rant here, but here’s the bottom line, I want my country back.

I want my kids to be able to walk to the store or walk to school without being abducted by some 3-time convicted child molester. And the politically correct powers that be in this country just can’t seem to get over themselves with “CAN’T WE JUST HELP THIS PERSON!” No! You can’t. But they’re let loose to prey on more children.

I want my kids back. I want my country back.

Well Rick, ever hear of Three Strikes? California invented it, and when felons get that third strike they DO go away. Forever. Your scenario makes no sense for a radio host in California, unless you want to stir up irrational emotions.


I don’t agree with everything this President does. I’ve never agreed with anything 100% that any President has done or said.

REALLY Rick? When have you EVER criticized this President, or allowed a critic of this President to speak on your show? How about Reagan? Ever made any criticisms of Reagan, Rick? How bout that Lebanon thing? What about Iran Contra? What about raising taxes? What about Ann Burford and the Superfund Scandal? BCCI? Ringing any bells Rick?

You know, I was very young during the Vietnam War. So I probably missed that thing by a hair. I don’t know whether I would have agreed with that or not at the time. I was too stupid to have an opinion at that point and time even though I thought I did.

I want my country back.

Rick! What the HELL does that mean? You thought you had an opinion but you were too stupid to know???????? That doesn't make any sense. And you're a trained lawyer, from Texas. Sounds like double talk Rick

I want some semblance of respect for authority, whether I agree with it all or not.

Would that be like the Respect for Presidential Authority that was shown to Clinton? Does that Respect for Authority include hand picking audiences, and tossing out anyone who might disagree? Does that mean relocating those with differing opinions to locations blocks away? Is dissent intolerable? Wouldn't we be drinking tea at 4pm, or speaking German without dissent, Rick?

I want the Boy Scouts to be “boy” scouts, not boy and “we think she’s a girl” scouts. I want Girl Scouts to be “girl” scouts not Girl Scouts and “Bruce.”

Careful, Rick, The homos are coming to get you and turn you and love you, Rick!!!!!! Run, run run away, Rick. BTW, the boy scouts are still run the way you like 'em Rick. Don't worry, the gays in the Scouts are still there, they just keep quiet. Just like they do in the Military, and (for the most part) in the GOP

I want my country back. I want to be able to wake up in the morning knowing that I can walk outside without some gang-banger on parole taking my life.

I'm sure that's a real danger where you live, Rick.

Or being able to go down and purchase a car without having to worry about you know 90% of the parts being made overseas in some sweatshop.

Oh, so now you care about American jobs, Rick? Why do you hate unions, then, Rick? Ever worked on an assembly line, Rick? A hopeless, endless parade of sameness and the same set of tasks done hundreds of times a day. Think you could handle that Rick? How bout for minimum wage and no benefits, Rick? Don't see you doing that.

I want my politicians, when they finally do get my vote, to do what the hell they said they were going to do in the first place. I want the Abramoff’s of the world to be labeled what they are…nothing more than organized crime in a better suit.

Well Rick, Who's side was Abramoff's largesse benefiting? Say it Rick. He was a GOP consigliere. Now, that doesn't mean that slime isn't on both sides of the aisle, but why do guys like you try to lie and twist that?

I want the Hollywood elite to make movies to entertain me. Not use their celebrity to sway me politically one way or the other. Quite honestly, if you’re a has-been-pseudo-celebrity I want you to go away quietly, so that I can remember you fondly through your “artiste work” that’s left in the archives.

Does that mean Bruce Willis, Mel Gibson and Governor Schwarzenegger, too? Or only the celebs who don't agree with you Rick?

I want people to say something and when they say something look at me in the eye. And mean what they say. Not say what they think I want to hear. And then do what they want to later politically or any other way.


Rick, I'll look you in the eye and tell you that you're a phony, whipping up hateful hysteria among people who mainly don't know any better, and a handful or two who really ought to know better.

I want to be able to go out and work and make a decent wage and buy a home. Half the people that are listening to me right now can’t even afford to buy a house unless they’re working three jobs.

Rick, I'll look you in the eye and tell you that you're a phony, whipping up hateful hysteria among people who mainly don't know any better, and a handful or two who really ought to know better.

And I want America to be America. All of those opportunities, all of those things that made her great, I want those returned to the forefront. If you want to come to this country we welcome you with open arms. We simply ask that you abide by our laws. I don’t want you to snub your nose at our laws, then take advantage of our opportunities, and then cling to the constitution most of which you can’t even read because you don’t speak the language.

Gee Rick, how does repealing the Estate Tax (oh, I forgot, y'all quaintly renamed it the "Death Tax") promote "all those opportunities" of which you speak? If you concentrate wealth or allow it concentrate in fewer hands, assuming scarce resources, "opportunities" start doing their dodo bird impression.

And, Rick, just for grins, ask your audience to sit down and name all the Supreme Court Justices, or all ten of the Bill of Rights. Then ask them who won American Idol or NASCAR last year. Hell, the new CIA director was in a Congressional hearing earlier this year, and persistently misstated the content and meaning of the 4th Amendment (you remember, Rick, that's the one that deals with "search and seizure" and this was the guy in charge of the NSA spying program for years - AN AIR FORCE GENERAL!! Ignorance of the Constitution is a cross-cultural phenomenon - there's plenty of guilt in all races, creeds, and national origins.

I want us to secure our borders because the country is worth securing. The people that live here are worth protecting.

How do you reduce supply of illegal labor, wihhout curtailing demand, Rick? Impose stiff penalties on ANYONE who hires illegal immigrants as workers, be they the housewife next door or the CEO of Halliburton


I want some semblance of what this country used to be.

It’s worth protecting. It’s worth defending.
I don’t recognize this country anymore.

Not politically, not philosophically, not spiritually.

The country you're nostalgic for existed only in your warped memory,Rick.

Whether you like it or whether you don’t God was a part of building this great nation. To remove him is to take away the very foundation of what this country was all about.

People don't object to God, They object to the hideous fascistic bigoted re-casting of God by extremist elements in this country.

I don’t care about your political correctness!

I don’t want to know your sexual preference!

Tell it to the Senate, who spent time during a disatrous war and a spiraling economoic deficit trying to impose discrimination into the Constitution.

I could care less about all of that. Stop making it the headline of the day!
That’s not America. I want my country back!

And the only way I’m ever going to be able to get this country back is if I reach out to the brothers and the sisters that all feel the same way and we say “Hell No! You can’t have our country.” It’s not for sale! Take the price tag off this country!

Take the price tag off the heads of our children! Stop it already! The politically-correct-psychobabble-hug-a-tree-experts ; You are not qualified to release sex offenders back into our neighborhoods.

The southern border, more than any other border, needs to be secured tomorrow. For all those that wish to come to this country to take advantage of her opportunity, to live under a constitution a living document that breathes in and out just like you do, this country is not for sale. I should know. I’m one of the owners. You can’t sell it without my permission.
I want my country back!

Your crowd is humming now Rick, humming and drumming their fingers to the beat of your rabid histrionics. I want my country back, Rick. The Country that used to look at the opinions of people like you and laugh, because Carroll O'Connor and Redd Fox made this kind of narrowness funny playing Archie Bunker and Fred Sanford. You just venerate this kind of ignorance.

Rick, you are the same guy who spent months on your talk show luridly delving into the "swinging lifestyle" of a couple whose child was molested and murdered. You're the same guy who made fun of the UN weapons inspectors in 2003, as they tried to get word to our country - through the cacaphony of rightwing radio Bullshit purveyed by you and your kind - that Iraq was NOT buildiing, hiding, stockpiling or even wet-dreaming about Weapons of Mass Destruction. You used to spit the name "Hans Blix" with a palpable tone of disgust in your voice. Where's your apology? Where's your shame? LOST ain't holding breath waiting, but LOST believes you will answer for your complicity in that movement one day.

You want the price tags off, to make room for the promissory notes? That's right, Rick. Waging war and slashing taxes is mortgaging our kids' future, the same way doing nothing to preserve the environment is doing the same. We're stealing from them to underwrite our own comfort, and guys like you ignore that. You must be so proud of yourself. Rick.