HAVE A YABBA DABBA DO TIME



Twice over the Holidays, Mrs. LOST and I left our morning-controlled slugfest that is our workout routine, and traveled to the local purveyor of overpriced coffee (ticker symbol: SBUX), only to encounter a living, breathing caricature of a human. A Pickup driving, ball-cap and wool shirt wearing, flesh and blood copy of Fred Flintstone, waddling up ahead of us in line at the coffee stop, as he waits for his heavily sugared, heavily flavored, whipped cream frou frou delight of the day. Now, “Fred’s” pickup is adorned with its own W ‘O4 sticker, and a 700 Club sponsored sticker “defending” marriage. Both times I have stifled the urge to blurt out to this good ol’ boy, "Hey, pard, for a guy that hates homos so much, you sure do drink a faggy coffee, dontcha think?” Mrs. LOST is extremely grateful for my restraint, despite the fact that she was the one who first noticed Fred, and didn’t call him to my attention in the most charitable way.

But old Fred is typical around these parts, no doubt more so than the Mrs. And I are typical. Fred’s a supporter of the current regime, probably listens to O’Reilly, Hannity, Limbaugh during the day, and Fox at night. In Fred’s world we’re winning the war on terror, and every soldier’s death simply, reflexively reaffirms Fred’s mantra that “Freedom isn’t free.” Fred either believes that there were Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, or doesn’t care that none were found, because Bush and Dick have told him over and over that Saddam was a bad guy and had to be removed. Fred’s never heard, and wouldn’t believe it if told now, that Cheney said in ’92 that going into Iraq and removing Hussein was not worth “that damn many” American lives. Fred’s sure that Saddam “did” the 9/11 attack, as he’s heard 9/11 and Iraq uttered in the same sentence so many times by now that it simply must be true. George says it; Fred believes it, that settles it.

Fred must have a job, since he’s up at that hour of the morning and drinking 5 dollars worth of heated sugar water every day, so for him the economy is just fine. I suspect Fred’s married, but I wouldn’t wish him on any unseen Wilma at this point. Unless Fred is well insured. Fred is probably in possession of a personal Savior, one who in Fred’s mind cares most about Abortion and whether Bob and Clarence want to get married than He does about how many people within a 5-mile radius of Fred woke up hungry, or ill, or frightened, or in despair this morning. Fred buys American, or at least he thinks he does. That’s why it says “Ford” on that nameplate, doggone it. Fred shops at Wal-Mart, if his clothes are any indicator, so don’t let the F-150 fool you into thinking he’s a Union guy.

Fred’s heard of Tom DeLay, but anything De Lay did is nowhere close to the evils committed by Clinton. Fred’s confident of this because Rush has explained it all. Fred doesn’t know or care if Rush eats Oxycontin like candy. That’s another lib’rul slur. Fred’s probably heard that our Congressman just pled guilty and resigned. But Fred knows that they all do what Duke did, and that Duke just got caught, and that because Duke was a Top Gun war hero he must’ve had a really good reason. Fred hasn’t settled on a replacement favorite for Duke though. He’s waiting for his local talk show to feed that information to him.

Judging by his size, Fred’s a candidate for Type II Diabetes, hypertension, stroke, and coronary artery disease. None of that matters to Fred, because as 700 Club Leader Pat Robertson has said, the end, and the rapture are near, and Fred’s on that destiny train for sure.

LOST doesn’t think Fred can be freed from the prison of his own vicarious reality. But, what about Fred’s children, or his siblings, or anyone else within or adjacent to his circle? That’s the challenge for the upcoming year. The Dems must take the fight on the meaningful issues of our time – fighting against poverty, unemployment, the exportation of jobs, endless war, and bigotry - to Fred’s world, and not be afraid to articulate them in language that will be both understandable, and couched in moral terms.
It’s worth the effort. And Fred, if you’re reading this, its’ like that old truckers’ saying goes: “If you wanted a cup of cream and sugar, why dintcha ask for it?”