"Dr. Phil" McGraw, Madonna, and Michael Jackson. Nope, sorry, this is no tribute to the Great Carnac, or the late comedic genius who created him. These are but three of the names appearing on an atrocity known as the List of the 100 Greatest Americans.

http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/greatestamerican/top100/top100.html.

Okay, so I'm well aware that this list was compiled by AOL, and that the polling was about as scientific as those nutty local TV station e-polls that ask "Should 'Friends' be brought back for one more season?" or "Do you like to celebrate Holiday Weekends with barbecues?" but Good Lawdy Miss Clawdy, Dr.Phil on the list of the 100 greatest Americans, but don't look for Bob Dylan, Lewis and Clark, or Ulysses Grant. Sorry, didn't make the cut.

Oh, sure, Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres made that list. Each just epitomizes American greatness. Besides, Ed Sullivan (not there) never gave away a bunch of cars to one of his audiences. Ditto Edward R. Murrow, Fred Rogers and Bob Keeshan (Captain Kangaroo is AWOL?), apparent victims of their own parsimony it would appear. Tiger, you're a great golfer, but Jim Thorpe deserved a seat at the table, preferably next to Oscar Robertson.

Thank goodness the material girl made the list. My personal American experience was altered forever when she made wearing lingerie on stage and crooning synthetic pop music a cultural staple. Besides, Billie Holliday (not on the list) battled addiction most of her life and we couldn't have that - er, oh yeah sorry 'bout that Rush. Great showing in the top 60 for you, mega dittos and all that rubbish. Oh, and by the way, Mort Sahl, Mark Russell, Andy Rooney and Garrison Keillor are all funnier than you are. Oh and while we're on the subject of drugs three first ladies - the current one, her mother-in-law, and Jackie O make the list, but sorry Mrs. Ford. All you did was help humanize the plight of people who struggled with addictions, and help American women to be more assertive in the 1970's. That's not good enough to make the list.

Those fine AOL folks who voted early and often really do hate activist judges - you won't find Thurgood Marshall, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Earl Warren or Learned Hand on this list. Scalia was busy duck hunting with Dick Cheney and couldn't be reached for comment.

As for politics, it gets even crazier. Sorry, voters, It doesn't matter how many of you Pioneers and Rangers mobilized your wired downlines to cast ballots, but George W. Bush is not in the top 100 Greatest Americans, let alone in the top 25. And Barack Obama, you and John Edwards may, someday, qualify for consideration in this type of list. But that day is down the road, and neither of you deserved higher ranking than Robert Kennedy. Oh, and Richard Nixon belongs off this list for reasons similar to those which keep Pete Rose and Joe Jackson out of Baseball's highest honor.

So enjoy your spot at the table Condi, even if you should stand up and offer it to Shirely Chisholm, Wilma Rudolph, Billie Jean King or Frances Perkins. And it is at least a comfort that neither Dale Earnhardt nor Bill O'Reilly have managed to parlay car crashes or French Boycotts into a position of perceived greatness on the part of America's web surfers.